We Are Family – Season 5 Episode 11 (Finale)

The Summer is over at Seaside Heights!! The house is inside out (literally), the girls try to prank the boys but it ends up backfiring, and Mike is starting problems with Deena over her sister and his brother hooking up… perfect ending to another great season! Family will always be family. Until next time…


Pauly D : Three, two, one, and cue the scream…


Pauly D : I wonder what the poor people are doing?


Pauly D : Mike looks even dumber than he normally looks.


Pauly D : Mike looks even dumber than he normally looks.


Pauly D : We are prank war champions!


Pauly D : My man Mike can dish but he can’t freaking take it… it’s sad.


Snooki : Mike’s nickname should be changed from “The Situation” to “Bitchuation”


Deena : Oh my god, if they get married or something, I’m gonna be part of Mike’s family… What the hell!


Deena : So I got the lady’s on blast, I call this one devil and this one angel.


Pauly D : Holy boobs!


Pauly D : Yo, that t-shirt’s screaming, “I don’t fit you” (to Vinny).


Vinny : I’m always intrigued to talk to lesbians, you know, we share a common interest in these girls.


Pauly D : Two lesbians is the holy grail of hooking up.


Vinny : It’s not everyday that two lesbians want to have a threesome with you, and I’m getting denied the smush room.


Ronnie: Bro, I’m doing you a favor, did you look at these girls, did you look at their faces, one of them looks like Mathew McConaughey.


Pauly D : My man Vinny is about to do the impossible, he’s gonna try to turn these two lesbians straight.


Pauly D : This isn’t gonna be an easy smush, call the cabs when you’re done. It’s gonna take a lot of work, and he’s not gonna get any sleep.


Vinny : This is the moment where heroes are made. They write history books about this s$#t.


Vinny : I’ve been at some really low points this summer. But I just f#$ked two lesbians, life is great.


Vinny : It’s like something on my bucket list to do… well my f#$kit list.


Deena : Do we have like a hurricane shelter?


Pauly D : I don’t want to get lightning in my hair.


Deena : You almost got strucken!


Deena : Oh my god that’s a tornado whistle.


Deena : I’m taking cover. I saw the wizard of oz, I don’t want to be like Dorothy, up swinging all over the freaking sky with my dog and stuff.


Pauly D : I ain’t even mad that the cabs are here and no one cares! I ain’t even mad!


Deena : Karma’s out of control, it’s like burmp burmp burmpadur.


Mike “The Situation”: I may even spend holidays with Deena. Image that holiday conversation.


Pauly D : It’s like Ronnie’s car on a Friday night (talking about the house being filled with smoke).


Mike “The Situation”: I’m gonna miss wine bottles being thrown at my head. Pauly: I’m gonna miss wine bottles being thrown at your head too.


Pauly D : I had to get my b!t#h back (about Vinny).


Mike “The Situation”: Yeah, of course this is Sammi’s favorite summer. This is the first summer she’s not fighting with Ron every single second.


Pauly D : Once again, the plan for the girls to prank us backfired. They should just stop before they really get hurt.


Vinny : Yo let’s leave here there until next summer (about Deena in the jacuzzi).


Pauly D : It’s my last day here and everybody’s sleeping, so I gotta do my thing and wake this house up.


Jenni “JWOWW”: One thing I will never miss in this house is waking up to Pauly’s “Oh yeah wake up yeah s&$t.”


Vinny : Sam and Rons gone so we got the smush room back.


Vinny : This is you babe, I don’t know how this is gonna fit. Vinny: That’s what she said.


Mike “The Situation”: What I’ve been dying to know for the last three summers is, are Jenni’s boobs real?


Snooki : Bye smush, bye STDs.


Snooki : Up, there’s a piss stain.

One Meatball Stands Alone – Season 5 Episode 10

Mike told Jionni… and… nothing. Jionni is very trusting of his now soon-to-be wife. Although Jionni brushed it off, Snooki didn’t! She exploded and a full on food fight erupted. Could it be guilty anger?? Mike isn’t Snooki’s only relationship on the rocks. Deena seems to have been pushed to the side now that Jionni is in the picture and Deena is starting to feel the pain of rejection. Oh yeah, and how could we forget, while most of the roommates went camping, Pauly and Vinny stayed behind.. and FLIPPED THE HOUSE INSIDE OUT!!


Mike “The Situation”: Another man tells you that your girl cheated on you, and you don’t say nothing at all.


Jionni: Did I rise? Snooki: Did you? (feeling Jionni)


Ronnie: It’s like, how you doing, Jionni, this morning? Bacon, egg, and cheese? Your girl blew me… ok awesome. (about Mike)


Snooki : Actually no because I want you to go f#$king die and rot in a hole. Mike: That’s not very nice Nicole.


Mike “The Situation”: Don’t throw those pickles, they’re fresh. (to Snooki)


Pauly D : In Jionni’s head right now, he won’t say this because he’s a pu$$y, but, ‘I don’t give a $h!t who she bangs I’m banging everybody on my side anyway’.


Mike “The Situation”: They’re meant to be, he took it on the chin just like she did.


Snooki : Me and Jionni are getting married I feel, when he proposes. And I don’t know when that is but he better do it within the future.


Snooki : Ok it’s on like Donkey Kong b!$ch.


Vinny : The food fight is not fun anymore, it is personal.


Pauly D : Watch my freshies, watch my freshies (as he lays on his shoes).


Mike “The Situation”: Listen, I can’t hear you your mouth is full of s$!t kinda like another time.


Vinny : All the sudden my name gets brought into the conversation… Like what th f#$k did we do?


Snooki : I feel like I still smell like ketchup.


Snooki : A bonjo. Deena: Yeah like a banjo. Snooki: A bango.


Pauly D : Sometimes you gotta put sleeping aside bro, get your GTL on.


Vinny : Deena, sit down here you little b!$ch.


Vinny : That’s right, you ask him, then he asks me, then I tell you.


Pauly D : YOU KNOW WHAT, DATE THIS F#@KING KID! (to Deena)


Pauly D : Busted, big time, you’re dead (when Jenni’s on the phone with Joey).


Pauly D : My man Vinny um felt hungry, and wanted a big snack. Because he wanted a little bit of a thicker chick I guess. I wanted to back up my man, so I brought home two chicks just in case.


Vinny : I choose to stick with the thick girl over the cute girl that Pauly brings home because hot girls are boring a lot of the times. They sit there, ‘I’m hot I don’t have to do anything’, I want some variety in my diet.


Pauly D : I’m not into the whole, sleeping outside, no bathroom, no mirror, can’t do my blowout.


Pauly D : Me and Vinny just wanted the house to ourselves, because we’re gonna prank the s@#t outta them.


Ronnie: You got some uh, camping tents?


Mike “The Situation”: It takes a lot to pitch my tent.


Ronnie: Mike’s tent is immaculate, I can’t believe he has the brain span to actually build a good tent.


Ronnie: I’m from the Bronx, ok. The closest thing I see to people camping out side are homeless people.


Pauly D : This kiddy pool is no joke, but, team work makes the dream work.


Pauly D : Not bad for a DJ and a couple of t-shirt pressers.


Deena : Mike put down the freaking fire. He’s like one of those people, a hermaphrodite or whatever it is.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Are you in your paranoid state Mike?


Mike “The Situation”: I keep hearing noises. Jenni: Because we’re in the woods. Mike: That’s true.


Mike “The Situation”: There is no gym, there is no tanning salon, and you can’t do your laundry (about camping).


Pauly D : We changed the whole house inside out. We put the inside outside, the outside inside, the inside outside, the outside inside, so now our inside deck is now our outside deck and our outside deck is now our inside deck . Basically, we pranked the whole house. I told them not to go camping.


Vinny : This is where warriors are made of right here.

The Truth Will Set You Free – Season 5 Episode 9

Trouble is brewing! Episode 9 leaves off with Mike telling Jionni about him and Snooki hooking up. What’s going to happen next? Mike tried to have his boy Unit there, but Unit got too drunk at Karma and ended up in jail. Is Jionni going to believe Mike? We know that Snooki and Jionni stay together because he’s her future baby daddy, but what happens in the mean time? Stay tuned to find out.


Pauly D : You don’t walk around here like you can just take my man on dates (to Snooki).

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Pauly D : Yo, stop trying to get in my man’s pants (to Snooki).


Snooki : Toodle-pants


Pauly D : Whoa phone’s ringing.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m just so good with women, there definitely should be a butter named after me because I’m so smooth.


Mike “The Situation”: It’s now or never. Situation don’t do appointments for next time.


Pauly D : Come to find out she has like her friends this month, and um, it is what it is.


Pauly D : I definitely don’t want her to hang around, take your girl and your tampons with ya.


Mike “The Situation”: In the guido world, protein is like money.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m giving out protein powder, I’m trying to better your life.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Rodger’s coming tonight so I’m gonna go to the sex store.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: I don’t know what’s going on, I just feel like I’m psychic half the time and I got feelings.


Mike “The Situation”: My Shore Store performance is on, you know, mythical proportions today.


Ronnie: Mike’s actually working today, I was surprised.


Pauly D : Is it possible to be too fresh, because if it is, I am and I don’t want you to get drowned out by my freshness.


Vinny : I was killing it in pool yesterday. Pauly D: Yeah… you were playing Snooki.


Pauly D : It’s like couples retreat. I feel like I need to be in a relationship in the house. Vinny: That’s why we’re in a relationship.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I’m so gross I can’t wait to shower.


Vinny : Single gang or die.


Pauly D : Hey I just got pregnant.


Vinny : Dude I just had one of Mike’s babies on my chin. Pauly D: How’s that different from any other night?


Vinny : You didn’t see anything. Say one word to anyone I’ll f#$king kill you (to Sammi).


Pauly D : What’s next on our list of bringing our Shore house back?


Vinny : This is a Shore house, this is not an old age home.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I will make it very special for Rodger on our one year anniversary and of course I’m gonna have sex with Rodger. You know that’s what like old couples do, they have their one time a year.


Pauly D : Look at this guy, where is your tan Vanilla Ice? (to Vinny)


Pauly D : Your sister was nice enough to give you her whole outfit, shoes and all! (to Vinny)


Vinny : Rodger: I loved you in the Dukes of Hazard (to Vinny).


Mike “The Situation”: I can just see the future, I’m situtradamus, this is gonna get bad.

Sharp Objects – Season 5 Episode 8

Shark!! Where’s the shark?!?! This week, the roommates decided to take a trip down to the ocean… a few times. First, they all decide to go crabbing and fishing, then Snooki and Deena wanted to break a few laws and get caught in the ocean after dark. On top of that, Mike is actually being a good roommate to Pauly and Vinny? And is Snooki go back to Vinny… again?


Pauly D : I don’t know what’s going on in this guys head right now. You keep it moving, you don’t want to fight with Rodger.

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Ronnie: At Karma, you can either walk out the door or get thrown out the door.


Snooki : I’m really excited, you know, to touch his w!#ner and make out and get it in (about Jionni).


Snooki : Honesty, you know, if Jionni’s sick or whatever, I feel bad but I wanna f#$king get it in with my boyfriend, so why the f#$k are you puking right now, let’s have sex.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Rodger: My girl had to poop. I had to wait.


Ronnie: I thought gorillas only ate bananas (to Rodger).


Jenni “JWOWW”: Rodger: Have you met my friend half-pint (about Ronnie).


Jenni “JWOWW”: Rodger: Have you met my friend half-pint (about Ronnie).


Ronnie: I feel like if my girlfriend complained as much as she did, I’d probably lose my phone too (to Rodger).


Jenni “JWOWW”: Rodger: She thought I was gonna call and kiss her ass, it ain’t gonna happen. Alright I gotta go before I get my ass kicked.


Snooki : Jionni’s wasted right now, but I feel like I never see you so lets just f$#king bang it out.


Snooki : A boyfriend’s job is to come over, have sex, and you know, make your girlfriend feel good, and at this point Jionni’s not making me feel good, he’s throwing up and passing out in my bed.


Deena : I mean do you really need talent to fish though? You just throw the thing in the thing.


Deena : Can you imagine though, eight guido’s trying to fish.


Vinny : I already got crabs last night out at Karma.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Got an extra bucket to throw up in (to crab guy).


Pauly D : Yo I’m gonna catch me Sunday dinner.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I caught a guido!


Pauly D : Yo, why can’t I just put Snooki on this hook, catch me a big fish?


Pauly D : Crabs are here!


Jenni “JWOWW”: I don’t even want to say it. Snooki: What? Jenni: I caught crabs.


Mike “The Situation”: Yo this ain’t happening. Guidos ain’t made to fish. I can fish for girls but not f#@king for fish.


Vinny : Mike’s just like, spread-eagle right now in one of his feminine poses.


Deena : I feel like this is like my relationships, not one person wants to grab my bait.


Ronnie: So I let the air out of the boat, arms are flying in the air, there’s meatball sauce everywhere.


Snooki : This boat is sinking and I’ve seen titanic and this is not going to end well.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: Deena is literally trying to get out of three feet of water because there’s sharks in it.


Pauly D : Yo, Snooki’s all through these waters.


Pauly D : You know how you catch a Snooki, pickles!


Mike “The Situation”: He’s working hard in there, his insides are coming out.


Pauly D : She doesn’t talk, but yet stalks.


Pauly D : She’ll work my entire shift at the t-shirt shop just staring at me.


Pauly D : And I’m freaked out because she stares right at me with this like that I can feel burning a hole in my head and it’s messing with my blowout.


Vinny : Oh it stands for Down to Fish (when asked what DTF stands for)


Snooki : I’ll shoot you with a pistol in your f#$king eyeball.


Snooki : Yeah buddy, I know how to work my balls.


Snooki : Even though I lost the bet and I have to wear the bunny suit to Karma, it’s not really a big deal because Lola is like my best friend.


Vinny : I might want to reconsider having sex with you right now. You should just always leave the mask on (to Snooki).


Vinny : Stripper, prostitute, bunny, Lola, is pretty hot tonight, I think.


Deena : Lola is definitely the most popular girl at Karma tonight, I’m a little jealous, I’m gonna have to bring her home tonight for myself.


Mike “The Situation”: I actually am like the hunter and gatherer at the house, when it comes to ladies.


Snooki : I kinda wanna, you know, break a law or two tonight.


Deena : So the only difference between the meatballs and Baywatch right now is the red bathing suits, and David Hasselhoff.


Snooki : Holy buttsack I’m tired.


Snooki : This morning I feel like freaking a$$, like I’m still drunk, but it’s like, you know the drunk where you wanna throw up and you feel disgusting, I’d rather just drink it off.


Snooki : Ronnie looks like s$!t right now and I’m like bro, you’re hung over, we need to go to the bar and fix that.


Ronnie: I just see Snooki’s head floating.


Ronnie: To average people, that’s a mini-bike, to Nicole, that’s like a normal motorcycle.


Pauly D : I got the night shift tonight, it’s me, Situation, and Jenni, so I expect to be doing most of the work.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Pauly, your girl is creeping me out right now. Pauly D: Me too.


Pauly D : This girl is going to kill me, she’s gonna kidnap me, put me in her basement, have me DJ for her, and I’m gonna be MIA, you guys are gonna be looking for me.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Pauly’s stalker officially scares me.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I think the blanket is wrapped around something heavy, it’s either Pauly’s hair, or it’s a chainsaw (about Vanessa).


Pauly D : It’s not Pauly D anymore, it’s gonna be DJ Pauly Dead!


Vinny : If Nicole is breathing and Nicole is conscious, she’s probably talking about sex.


Vinny : I’m on the boardwalk with Nicole wasted right now, and, this is kinda questionable what I’m doing.

Love at the Jersey Shore – Season 5 Episode 7

Love is in the air at the Shore… Or is it too much spray tan and hair gel? Jenni and Rodger have seemed to work things out, Ronnie and Sam haven’t been fighting at all, Snooki has been faithful to Jionni, Deena and Joey hooked up again, Mike may have found love with Paula, oh yeah, and Pauly and Vinny are finally an item!! Could it be that things are too good to be true? What’s Mike planning? It’s just another week at the Shore!


Jenni “JWOWW”: I wasn’t looking at Rodger’s side of things, I was looking at my spoiled a$$*s side.

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Deena : Rodger’s like 65 years old, so, he’s not gonna be playing all these baby games.


Vinny : I can’t believe you didn’t go back to your shifts. Snooki: We got drunk that’s why.


Deena : We’re putting some meatball love into this cake.


Deena : Oh my god, we didn’t even put it in (talking about the cake for Danny).


Deena : Then we just lost track of time. I’ll be honest I forgot we were even at work after a while.


Deena : Right now I feel really mad whore with this sleeve. Nobody better mess with me cause I’m tough.


Snooki : No I don’t have rectal bleeding.


Snooki : How you supposed to have fun at the shore without drinking?


Snooki : Say I only had one drink (to the Dr.). Dr: That’s fine. Snooki: I’ll get a nice big strong one.


Mike “The Situation”: I wasn’t totally like running them over with the bus but I was definitely telling Danny like, I don’t know where they are, they should be here.


Snooki : This is freaking retail abuse.


Snooki : I’m too pretty for this $hit.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m actually guilty in this house until proven innocent.


Pauly D : I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t help it! (about eating the cake)


Pauly D : The second I heard Deena go to sleep, I tiptoed right into the kitchen, got myself a spoon, and I ate myself a piece of that cake.


Pauly D : Don’t cook a cake in my house and expect me not to eat.


Deena : I feel kinda bad, that I blamed Mike the whole time for the cake. It’s like, the kid kinda does get blamed for everything.


Mike “The Situation”: I feel like the mean Mike is about to come out, and you’re not gonna like it.


Mike “The Situation”: Looks like the master plan was derailed for another night.


Snooki : Uh I look like a Jersey skank, and I love it.


Snooki : Here comes the shots and this is where it starts.


Snooki : My doctor said not to drink a lot, but I knew it was gonna be so hard not to drink, so I just gave in and I drank, and I drank, and I drank.


Snooki : Honestly, I drank so much that my UTI is drunk, I’m happy, he’s happy, everybody’s happy.


Mike “The Situation”: Paula: Tell me if I have camel toe.


Pauly D : If it’s your birthday, you’re allowed to have camel toe Paula. If it was my birthday, I would have camel toe too.


Pauly D : We just completed the trifecta, gym, tan, laundry.


Vinny : I’m definitely not breaking up with Pauly, we’re in a committed relationship, me and Pauly, we’re gonna take this thing to the next level forever.


Pauly D : Yep, Vinny’s my dude, we’re like the meatballs, except, we’re not meatballs.


Pauly D : Me and Vinny going to muscle maker, it is definitely a date.


Vinny : Hopefully, I get it in later.


Pauly D : This is why I don’t let my man Vinny drive. You only have one job when your driving, hold on to the keys, he couldn’t even do that.


Ronnie: I hear the music and my feet just start going, I got like Gumby ankles.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m definitely flirting with her right now, I’m just gonna keep pushing the envelope until she bends, or blows, one or the other.


Snooki : I have no idea how to speak clock language, so when I say what time is it and someone says it’s quarter past two, just say its two-thirty.


Pauly D : I flipped the script on her, laid down the guilt trip, and now she’s trying to apologize to me and ask why I’m mad at her (about Deena).


Snooki : I have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m not thinking, I’m just talking.


Snooki : I just wanna see Deena and Joey have sex, I mean I’m bored.


Deena : I don’t know if my back hurts from, you know giving up my gold ticket, or Jersey turnpiking so much.


Deena : Joey may have banged my back out of alignment.


Pauly D : Yo if you hurt your back Jersey turnpiking, that’s Deena problems, and I love it.


Mike “The Situation”: I do owe Jionni the truth. I feel bad, you know every time his kissing his girl, you know, he’s like kissing my…


Jenni “JWOWW”: I am wearing this outfit tonight to show Rodger that there are two, big reasons that he is still with me.


Snooki : Don’t let a boob slip.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I’m so paranoid that this dress is gonna snap and my boobs are gonna come popping out.

The Follow Game: Season 5 Episode 6

Relationships, relationships, relationships! Jenni’s having trouble in hers, Vinny’s trying to create one with a lesbionest, Deena’s sister and Mike’s brother are in one, and Pauly’s trying to avoid one with his stalker! More GTL and fist pumping on the shore!


Mike “The Situation”: We’re pretty much finding out who the real trouble maker is… and um… it’s Snooki.

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Vinny : I’m taking a crap do you want to shower first?


Deena : Yeah, just go poop and then I’ll go to the shower.


Pauly D : Go poop and I’ll clean that s$!t up for you.


Deena : I hate seeing Jeeni sad, you know she’s been going through a rough time because she misses Rodger, and I know she’s breaking down, but at least she got her hair done, so that’s good.


Vinny : I kinda feel like I’m back in Italy, minus the armpit hair (talking about the packed club).


Vinny : I know that Deanna is probably a sure thing, but she’s still like a five or a six, during the weekend you’re looking for like a seven or an eight.


Vinny : This girl Nikki is like a straight up hot a$$ chick.


Deena : That one is a hundred times better than the other one (to Pauly about Vinny’s girl).


Deena : I’m definitely like the best wing woman ever, I’m dancing with this girl, I’m keeping her away from Vinny and the other girl. I feel like I’m an ultimate good time right now.


Snooki : Jenni left the club, I’m drunk right now and I have no idea what’s going on, so I just walk home.


Snooki : The boardwalk is kinda like a piece of cake when your drunk now because it’s nothing like the cobblestones.


Vinny : I’m feminine, I got soft features, you know what I mean? (to Nikki)


Vinny : I mean, I think I’m a good transition for a lesbian girl.


Vinny : She don’t like f#$king guys (about Nikki).


Ronnie: I mean you’re cute, but you’re not that cute (to Vinny).


Vinny : You got someone to f#$k tonight, you’re good (to Vinny).


Vinny : When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, that is like Christopher Columbus discovering America.


Ronnie: I want Deena on my team. She’s a good team player.


Snooki : I don’t feel good. I need a f#$king therapist, and I need AA meetings.


Snooki : Ouch, you hurt my eyeballs. The sun’s to powerful today.


Snooki : In Arkansas, it’s always dark out. So everything’s dark, always.


Snooki : Something’s going on in my stomach, it’s telling me to poop or throw up.


Pauly D : I got to work with two freaking meatballs, lucky I don’t make a sangwitch.


Deena : Whenever me and Nicole work together, we’re always bad news bears.


Deena : Think it’s gonna be meatball problems today.


Pauly D : Any major changes to the store you have to discuss with me bro (to Danny).


Snooki : No wait don’t run I’m gonna throw up.


Deena : I’m like whatever work get real, I’m over you today. Going to have some fun.


Pauly D : Danny: Alright Pauly, I’m gonna go look for those two f#$king dingbats right now (about the meatballs).


Deena : Right now Danny is being such an annoying.


Pauly D : Danny has no control over these meatballs whatsoever.


Pauly D : A brand new stocker, she’s crazy, HELP!


Pauly D : Man, it’s the stalker of all stalkers, I cannot look to my right without this girl being there.


Vinny : She wants to be a stalker, she don’t want to be your girls she like wants to be your stalker.


Deena : We should’ve been strippers.


Vinny : We think that she snuck a GPS system into Pauly’s blowout.


Pauly D : It’s a war out there as it is, but me and Vinny are putting grenades on each other.


Pauly D : Fair to say Vinny won this battle, but he will not win the war.


Mike “The Situation”: Right now I am keeping my friends close and my enemies’ closer.


Snooki : Yea we’re team crazypants.


Snooki : So how do you play? Ronnie: You get it in the hole. Snooki: That’s what she said.


Jenni “JWOWW”: How is there a pretzel in my makeup?


Pauly D : You saw Dina’s vag!n@.


Deena : I don’t know if I’m really pleased with being in Mike’s family, he’s been nice so far but, a leopard never sheds its stripes.


Deena : Till he proves me wrong, I will always be on my toes when it comes to Mike.

Free Vinny: Season 5 Episode 4

New roommates?? Danny’s fed up with the roommates not showing up to work on time and sleeping in the back room (Jenni and Mike anyone?). With Vinny gone, and now Mike disappearing, he’s threatening to hire new employees and put them in the house! But just when things look like they’re turning for the worst, Mike comes back! Wild hookups, birthday parties, strippers, oh yeah, and did we mention VINNY’S BACK!!!!


Deena : Me and you, we have to interview the strippers.

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Deena : We definitely need at least two strippers to pull this party off.


Snooki : We made a cake for Pauly and not Mike… that’s what you get for being a d@#chebag.


Snooki : This is my family and I don’t want anyone coming in the house and f$#king anything up because I will kill you, I don’t care if I’m small, I will kick you.


Snooki : New roommates?


Mike “The Situation”: I’m very sensitive.


Pauly D : Where’s the other meatball?


Snooki : I’m honestly ready to make sales.


Pauly D : Right now I’m working with the meatballs, and I’m expecting them to slack off, but they’re really pulling together and working hard, I don’t know how long it’s gonna last.


Snooki : I’m gonna walk like this now… you don’t mess with me… would you fight me?


Snooki : Pauly, can you teach me how to walk hard, like gangster.


Pauly D : Can’t teach swag you’re just born with it.


Deena : I got it, just walk like you’re not trying to walk hard.


Deena : Meatball power!


Snooki : Meatball power!


Jenni “JWOWW”: Dude, you’re not directing porn (to guy arranging strippers).


Jenni “JWOWW”: Four over the hill and six boobs.


Ronnie: I’m gonna try not to be late to work but the title on my watch already tells me I’m gonna be late to work, after Danny already bitched us out for not working hard.


Mike “The Situation”: Danny: This guy shows up out of uniform and late. Mike: But I still look good though.


Ronnie: We’re gonna go get coffee together he says (about Mike and new girl at the shop).


Jenni “JWOWW”: If I rip down the help wanted sign, there will be no more interviews, and therefore, there will be no more possibilities of getting new roommates.


Jenni “JWOWW”: What’s a good name for Danny since he’s being a d$#che?


Mike “The Situation”: Help wanted, see the old dude. Jenny: They might think it’s you.


Snooki : I’m gonna show off my tat. Don’t mess with me in here Party Lane.


Snooki : Let’s have bunny sex (to Deena).


Snooki : If we need freaking bunny suits to bring life to this house, that’s when we know we have problems.


Ronnie: I asked Pauly, Pauly you drinking tonight, and he’s like I’m probably gonna take it easy… that’s what you think.


Mike “The Situation”: It’s pretty hard to surprise me, you know I’m pretty paranoid.


Pauly D : This is the best cake I’ve had in my life.


Mike “The Situation”: It went from a nightmare to a dream because actually the chicks were cute.


Pauly D : I got cakes, I got strippers, I got my friends, this is the best day of my life.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m having fun with this blonde stripper right now, um so much fun I might even take her home.


Pauly D : And I told this chick, I would like to get in my birthday suit with you, and she’s down.


Mike “The Situation”: I have no idea why this stripper is worrying about socks.


Pauly D : Yeaaa Buddy! Birthday sex, everybody should get laid on their birthday.


Mike “The Situation”: What a nightmare what a night (as stripper is leaving).


Mike “The Situation”: I don’t even remember this stripper’s name. Could’ve been Indeeda, because I need a cigarette, I need some French toast, you know what, I need you to get the hell out of here.


Snooki : The bunny costume is f#$king awesome, just because it looks like a serial killer.


Snooki : I love flowers and their long stems, and that’s like expensive.


Pauly D : So we go downstairs it’s like mad dark, but like ten seconds into the club where the crowd was, bang, I see like these two girls like rolling around on the ground and I’m like oh s#$t, chick fight, then I look over and I’m like holy s#$t it’s Sam!


Ronnie: Sam getting into a fight, that’s some scary s#$t, and I just don’t know what to do right now.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: You don’t yank my newly weave, that I just got.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: I was always to like self defend myself, I will take down the world if I feel like somebody touched me the wrong way.


Deena : We’re just trying to, you know, do sex, and this freaking clock keeps going off.


Mike “The Situation”: There’s a hundred percent chance that Paula’s gonna get a second date.


Snooki : I mean if I was a guy, I would f#$k Paula. Hello, she’s hot.


Pauly D : Yo forget this, let’s go get Vinny. I can’t take it anymore.


Pauly D : Let’s go to his house and get the little b@$tard.


Pauly D : Everybody’s down, everybody’s down, we’re going to get my boyfriend.


Snooki : We’re going to Staten Island and kidnapping you’re a$$ b#$ch!


Pauly D : We’re going to get my boy back… today.


Pauly D : Today’s GTGVB, gym, tan, get Vinny back.


Deena : This like blows d#$k for skittles right now.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: We barge into Vinny’s house like we are a swat team.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: I hope Vinny’s like home right now, because this would be bad if he wasn’t home and we’re just like roaming through his house.


Ronnie: I have no idea what Vinny’s tattoo means, it looks cool, no f#$king idea what it means.


Pauly D : He’s got something on his chest, that’s a lot of balls.


Vinny : I’m trying to get laid tonight!


Jenni “JWOWW”: He has a white a$$, tan you’re a$$, oh my god.


Snooki : I think I saw a ball.

Dropping Like Flies : Season 5 Episode 3

Pauly D’s buddy, Vinny, taps out. He’s been feeling down ever since returning from Italy. After a get together with family members, he starts feeling overwhelming anxiety and decides to leave the house. Ronnie wears skinny jeans to honor Vinny, Pauly D hooks up with a tattooed chick. On Pauly’s (and Mike’s) B-day, Mike gets no love from the house members and it appears to saddened him to the point where he also leaves? Dropping Like Flies.


Pauly D : I just want to grab onto my dude and go ‘Don’t Go, Don’t Go, Don’t Leave Me.’

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Pauly D : At this point, my man leaves me. I gotta go tell the rest of the household that he may not be coming back.


Jenni “JWOWW”: That was the last thing I thought was gonna happen.


Jenni “JWOWW”: Deena overreacts about everythings … Hearing that Vinny stubbed his toe, she might have cried.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m like a shopper at a store, I see something I like and it’s ‘Come with me’.


Pauly D : I would have used the grenade camera on the girl Situation brought home but I had to get this cute girl to get it in for my man Vinny.


Vinny : I had to come home. Mom: Okay. That’s good.


Vinny : I had a lot of anxiety over there, so… I had to deal with it over here, you know. It wasn’t the right environment for me to be in… it was

too much.


Mike “The Situation”: We got Situation nation coming down tonight.


Snooki : We’re not going to remember it. We’re probably gonna make out. Team Meat Balls!


Snooki : I feel like today is a perfect Meat Ball day. Let’s just get wasty pants.


Snooki : Oh my God, I’m going to get in so much trouble. Jionni’s going to kill me.


Deena : We met this awesome gay guy. You’re gay right? I love gay men. Love them! I can hang out with gay men all freaking day.


Snooki : I’m mad drunk right now. | Deena: Can you walk at all?


Deena : You know it’s bad when I’m the sober one.


Deena : Now’s it’s two meat balls on the loose and we’re completely not in the state of mind we should be.


Snooki : [regarding Aztec clubbers] We’re the f****** veterans and I’ll show you how it’s done.


Deena : At that point, once we fell, I felt there’s no coming back from this one.


Mike “The Situation”: [to Deena] Your a** is hanging out. Are you for real. What corner was you working tonight?


Snooki : Deena’s hair is f****** disgusting right now. You might as well go Britney Spears and shave it off.


Deena : It’s like fingerprints, how are you going to tell a guidette apart without her extensions?


Ronnie: In memory of Vinny, I’m rocking skinny jeans.


Pauly D : [about tattooed chick] She’s ready to go. No work involved.


Pauly D : I’m going to smash this tattooed chick in my man Vinny’s bed. In honor of my man Vinny for leaving the house.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m tired of being the bad dude, I don’t know if I can do it anymore.


Mike “The Situation”: Gym Tan Tell the truth.


Pauly D : [about tattooed chick] This girl is Vinny’s type to a T… So I smooshed her as a perfect way to honor Vinny.


Pauly D : [on the phone] How are you? | Girl: Fine | Pauly: How are the Kids? | Girl: Huh? | Pauly: Can I have a cab?


Mike “The Situation”: [to Shore Store customer] You need any help? She’s right there [points to Snooki sleeping].


Bosnian Girl: [gives number to The Situation] I want grill cheese. In the morning. No Crust.


Pauly D : [to Vinny] I smooshed a girl in your bed. She was a couger with tattoes.


Pauly D : This Bosnian chick is so persistent. This chick must want to do something.


Deena : Even though I look like a nut case, I’m really a good girl.


Pauly D : [to Bosnian girl] You can come to bed or I can call you a cab. It’s up to you.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: Pauly is about to go to bed and this poor girl looks like a lost puppy. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.


Bosnian Girl: Can we just talk in the room? | Pauly D: I’ll call the cab.


Pauly D : I have NO TIME to talk to anybody at 4 in the morning. It should be against the law to come to my house at 4 in the morning on my birthday and not give me birthday sex.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: I actually like Paula. She might be dirty, grimy, and disgusting but she’s just a nice girl.


Sammi “Sweetheart”: Who does this girl think she is .. You’re not DTF with Pauly? Really, you’re DTF with Mike? That’s absourd, that’s just

crazy.


Mike “The Situation”: [about Paula] She’s like Triple A. You call her and she’s there.


Pauly D : My mother pulled together and made it happen. She brought my barber here to cut my hair for my birthday. Best gift I’ve had in my

life.


Deena : I know I’m not the smartest crayon… [but] we can make a party.


Ronnie: The lobster the size of snookie.


Mike “The Situation”: Of course, the girls made Pauly a cake. I must be the devil in this house… Pauly’s the good guy, and it seems I’m the bad

guy a lot of the times.


Snooki : Uh, my a** is, like, protruding… Protruding. The word of the day. Use it.


Mike “The Situation”: I wear my heart on my sleeve and it hurts me to think that people don’t care.


Snooki : Dropping like flies. [Vinny left, now Mike leaves?]

One Man Down: Season 5 Episode 2

Another episode, more drama. Pauly loses his chain, Jionni gets mad at Snooki’s drinking, and Vinny leaves Seaside… wait what?!?! Vinny is gone?? That’s right, it looks like Vinny needs time away to deal with some of the internal issues he is going through. The house just won’t be the same without him…


Vinny : Bro I can’t f@#king function in this environment… I want to go home.

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Vinny : I’m burnt out, I’m pushing through but the car can only get so far on fumes.


Mike “The Situation”: I had met Paula the first summer in NJ, we were in the Jacuzzi together, and I think Paula may have fell down the stairs as well.


Mike “The Situation”: Paula’s looking smoking right now and not to be disrespectful, Paula’s a sweet girl but let’s be honest… it’s a sure thing.


Mike “The Situation”: Everybody’s running for their lives right now. (talking about storm)


Mike “The Situation”: I’m like yea, we share girls why can’t we share underwear (about giving Jionni a shirt).


Snooki : Mike has koodis, so that fact that my man is wearing mikes clothes I’m just like, uh, I hope their clean.


Mike “The Situation”: You need underwear? (to Jionni)


Mike “The Situation”: It’s very ironic, that Jionni’s borrowing my clothes and cooking in the kitchen right now for me, and Paula’s just sitting there waiting… now that’s a situation.


Mike “The Situation”: But uh, Jionni’s hungry right now, he wants to eat this sandwich, he wouldn’t be cooking if he wasn’t.


Mike “The Situation”: So I’ll bring the food to you mother f#@ker.


Mike “The Situation”: All it is is you got to know how to play chess. If you don’t know how to play chess, maybe drop down and try checkers.


Ronnie: I probably shouldn’t have done that in front of Vin, I think Vin got a little mad because… that’s his bi$#h.


Pauly D : You can’t walk in my bed and have your way with me… when I’m not done (to Ronnie).


Pauly D : I never felt so violated in my life.


Snooki : Jionni’s like “don’t drink so much, don’t black out”, I can’t even get drunk with my roommates.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I didn’t even put on underwear today.


Pauly D : Ah there’s my boyfriends. ( to Vin)


Vinny : What are you doing now? Pauly – Waiting for you, let’s get a pedicure.


Pauly D : We’re going to get mini pedis. Vinny – You know, guy stuff.


Pauly D : I got spray tan on my nails and s#$t.


Pauly D : Can you put Vinny’s name on my fingernail? (to salon girl)


Pauly D : I got no tan in Italy so I got a little excited, I went tanning in jersey, went tanning went tanning went tanning… I burnt my whole face off.


Pauly D : So it peeled and then I exfoliated and then I burnt that part that peeled… Pauly D problems.


Snooki : I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would tell anybody in this house to stop tanning… that’s when you know the world is coming to an end.


Pauly D : This really is white boy problems. (talking about burnt face)


Deena : We’re going to Karma tonight and I can freaking wait.


Deena : Even though you a little off you’re a game, your still gonna bring back b#@ches tonight and have sex… I’m just saying. (to Pauly)


Jenni “JWOWW”: Wow you look really good. Snooki – would you bang me? Jenni – bent over and sideways.


Snooki : It’s important to look your hottest the first night of Karma, just because if you don’t look hot the first night of Karma, karma will get you.


Snooki : And because Jionni is gonna be there, I need to do stuff to make me look good (BBBUUURRRPPP).


Deena : I don’t know who I’m gonna make out with but it’s gonna be someone good.


Snooki : My va$#na keeps @#$%*g up.


Pauly D : I’m wearing my favorite necklace my favorite watch, fresh to death.


Jenni “JWOWW”: I don’t think Karma’s ready for us.


Pauly D : So we’re back at Karma kids.


Deena : Damian is in the right place at the right time, maybe he’ll get the golden ticket.


Snooki : Oh my god I’m gonna like cook you, like, chicken cutlets and stuff like that. (to Jionni)


Ronnie: Snooki is wasted off her face, and Jionni is definitely pissed because he has to babysit Nicole.


Jionni: Babe your whole f$#king a$$ is out. (to Snooki)


Ronnie: It’s not like you’re with your girlfriend, It’s like you’re taking care of your child. (about Jionni and Snooki)


Pauly D : Shantel is like the definition of DTF, she’s so DTF right now it’s like not even funny.


Mike “The Situation”: I’m leaving with no girl, I was getting pissed and I was like wow, this might happen right now.


Mike “The Situation”: It was almost like Joe Montana, 20 seconds left in the fourth quarter, I throw the pass… Paula catches it.


Pauly D : Yo these are my rims, they’re 22’s son.


Jionni: That’s called seamen.


Pauly D : Shantel – I’m gonna lay you on the bed and… do you.


Pauly D : Smush was good but, it’s time for Shantel to leave and I gotta call her a cab.


Pauly D : I don’t have an hour, she’s gonna die. (to cab guy on phone)


Pauly D : I’m like, it’s 4 in the morning how many cabs could be out right now?


Pauly D : I don’t know if this girl wants to hang around, but I definitely don’t want her to hang around.


Snooki : I’m thinking like, the girl you brought home last night stole your chain, obvi.


Snooki : She probably stuffed it in her a$$ crack. (about Pauly’s missing chain)


Pauly D : I see my diamond chain glistening in the sun looking all perfect and I’m like thank god.


Pauly D : Shantel – I have no idea, I was like, honestly, I woke up this morning and I’m like oh, what the hell. (about having Pauly’s chain)


Pauly D : She’s all happy like oh I forgot to give you this back, I’m like, you got to be kidding me!


Pauly D : This is what I get for going into the nasty a$$ smush room, I’ll never go into the smush room again.


Snooki : I feel like the girl probably took Pauly’s chain so the next day she could come back again and try an smash… I would do that.


Pauly D : So she lost her dignity, her self respect, so what the hell do you need shoes for? (about Shantel)


Pauly D : So I’m now coming up with a new plan, whenever a girl leaves the house, I’m gonna hug her and pat her down at the same exact time.


Pauly D : I’m not drinking for the rest of my life, until tonight.


Ronnie: Want to go on the ferris wheel and make out? (to Vinnie)


Vinny : I have a choice, either not react to the craziness going on around me or remove myself, either way I have a choice.


Snooki : I’m not gonna drink at the club. (Deena starts laughing)


Deena : Doing eye lashes when your buzzed is not a good time.


Snooki : Did it hurt when you made out with that girl last night? (to Pauly D)


Pauly D : Just go, I’ll talk to him and ill just come meet yous guys later or whatever.


Vinny : Can we sext? (to Pauly D)


Pauly D : You gonna leave me with the situation? Vinny – That’s your cousin.


Pauly D : I just want to grab onto my dude and be like, don’t go, don’t leave me.

4 Cast Members Tried to Walk Off

Jersey Shore Season 5 started production in Seaside Heights just two weeks ago and already Vinny and Mike ‘The Situation’ have stormed out of the house. Vinny was gone for about a week and was only recently convinced to return by his co-stars. The Situation reportedly got so fed up he also walked out, threatening to quit the show for good. He, too, has since returned. MTV has since issued a threat to fire any cast member that walk out.